Life has a beautiful way of rapidly changing from appearing to be running easily to suddenly feeling uncontrolled. This drastic change within the flow of my life recently happened, causing me to need to wonder how I could live without fear again.
One Saturday, I used to be understanding on my stationary bike within the cellar once I suddenly woke up on the cement floor with my bike stuck on top of me. Unable to work out what I used to be doing on the ground and likewise not in a position to undo myself from the tangle of the bike, I needed to call my husband to come back right down to the basement to assist me. And thus, began the rebirth of our uncertainty about what life was now throwing at us.
This event woke up the horror we had experienced years earlier after having nine catatonic episodes on account of a C-3 shift in my neck from living with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. This caused a type of PTSD for each my husband and me. Once I had my second neck fusion, which was a successful surgery, we thought that this a part of our life living in fear was over. But now that doesn’t appear to be the case.
After three days within the hospital and undergoing every cardiac test possible, I used to be sent home with a heart monitor because the doctors couldn’t find a proof as to why I passed out. Knowing that at any moment this might suddenly occur again by surprise, my husband and I even have been struggling emotionally on how you can live safely. Should he all the time be around me? Would I be secure at home alone or taking a walk by myself? Would this ever occur again or was this a freak event that will never have a solution or resolution?
My cardiologist has allowed me to return to the pool where I can kick on my back. Gone are the times of being a master swimmer, swim coach, and with the ability to do every stroke on account of fusion and shoulder issues. But being within the water kicking helps keep my mind, body, and spirit alive and lively. Are you able to imagine the panic with the staff once I arrived on the pool explaining that I’ll pass out but am not in a position to be resuscitated on account of my weak rib structure? Chest compression would have a fatal result on account of the weakness of my chest structure. The staff watched me like a hawk, even checking on me within the locker room. But attempting to return to a way of normal by understanding wasn’t as easy as I believed it might be. With each kick and movement, I kept checking in with myself: was I feeling funny? Was I going to lose consciousness again? Was I able to simply accept that if one other episode happened while within the pool, I might more than likely drown and lose my life?
Because the weeks have passed because the incident, the damage from the autumn–which included a concussion, a twisted spine that got locked out of position, subluxated hips, in addition to many bruises and cuts–has began to subside. With the increased physical pain lessening, so did a number of the anxiety.
I started to appreciate that even when my husband was with me 24/7, he wouldn’t have any warnings to catch my fall. I couldn’t keep living in fear of the unknown. So, I contacted the cardiologist to ask for his blessing to return to my long walks on the road parallel to Second Beach in Rhode Island. His response was short: “All the time a troublesome decision. When you feel as much as it, and wish to try, then I believe it is cheap to accomplish that.”
My life is as much as me again, and the way I would like to handle the times ahead knowing that at any time I’ll drop again. With still no answers or solutions, I realize I just can’t proceed to let fear rule my life. I want to weigh my options and find secure ways to deal with my emotional and physical needs. I even have to remind myself to be sensible and realistic. I’ll never have one other episode, or this may occasionally occur again with a less blissful consequence. Possibly I might want to have a pacemaker implanted; or possibly another treatment will help improve my safety. All of those scenarios are possible – yet, one thing I do know is that life still must be lived.
Without delay, I subsequently am selecting to live while attempting to push the fear of the unknown to the side; I hope that the explanation for the incident, and solutions to resolve it, shall be found. But when this doesn’t occur, I’ll proceed to remind myself that I even have had a tremendous life. I’m grateful for all which have touched my life and the amazing opportunities I even have experienced.
May life be kind to you…